Mom Guilt.

August 7th, 2019. Yesterday was a hard day. Staying home with Kinsley has been a blessing and I a grateful for everyday I get to be with her, but yesterday not so much. For starters, I for some reason couldn’t sleep which means I was awake when the clock said 2:30 am. I knew I was in for a difficult day because Brandon worked, so I had Kinsley all day by myself. I made a list of things I wanted to get done and started out with laundry. Doing laundry is a work out in itself because our washer and dryer are in our garage which is always a million degrees, so by the time I come inside I am all sweaty. Kinsley finishes breakfast and I try to get her dressed. It might just be my daughter, but why do children think it’s funny to say no and run away when asked to come here? She refused a nap and when she finally went down for a nap around 3:30 she only stayed asleep for maybe 45 minutes.She wouldn’t listen, I placed in her crib and after hearing her cry for 20 minutes, I picked her up. All I wanted was a break. I had clothes that needed to be put away, I had dishes that needed to be washed, I had toys that needed to be picked up and I had to start dinner. Whenever I cook, Kinsley likes to go in the kitchen with me and stand right next to me, it normally doesn’t bother me but today she got into everything. She pulled out measuring cups, she would cry because she wanted to be held, she wanted to touch the oven, and she didn’t want anything to do with her dad, just me. Sometimes I wish Brandon would step up more or see that I need a break but instead he continued to lay on the couch and watch a movie. Now I am not complaining he was at work all day but sometimes it would be nice she is still his child too. Finally it got to the point where I blocked the kitchen entrance so she would stay with Brandon in the living room. Didn’t work. She cried and I got asked why I did that by Brandon. While eating dinner, she kept making a mess and putting her hand in ketchup. She dumped apple sauce all over the ground. I yelled and yelled until finally I called my mom. I asked her if she would come pick up Kinsley because I couldn’t do this anymore. After my mom left, I laid in bed and cried. I felt terrible. How could I yell at her? Why did I feel so overwhelmed and why couldn’t I just handle her until bedtime? I was exhausted. Brandon doesn’t understand and I don’t think he ever will. This morning is different. I truly think yesterday my mental health just needed a break. It can be very overwhelming being home all day with a child but it can be even more so when your significant other thinks it’s your job to watch this child and not he not help. I know I am just ranting, Brandon is a great father but yesterday I just needed a break from responsibility. Maybe I can’t stay home. Maybe if I stay home too long I will go stir crazy. Maybe it is time to go back to work, that would definitely make people in our families happier( totally different rant for the future). Or maybe I am just a normal mother who over worked herself. What good am I to Kinsley if I don’t take care of myself? So yes yesterday was a hard day and I am sure it won’t be the last hard day but as of right now it will be ok. I will be ok. Mom guilt just has a funny way of making you feel terrible and I felt it full force yesterday. Hold on to those moments when you child depends on you for every little thing because one day they won’t, and I know for a fact when that day comes, it was be a hard day.

Team Beach Body

On July 22nd, 2019 I hit the check out button and finalized my purchase. The screen loaded for a second and then appeared with a “thank you for your purchase”. I finally did it, after months of talking about it with Brandon and my now coach I purchased Beach body. To be completely honest, it took me months to buy it because I was skeptical about it. I don’t fall for things but after hours of research I liked what I found. Now I am not gonna sit here and bash any other company but I have tried other programs and have done research on other companies that claim drinking their shakes or using their products help you but in my opinion those are all bull crap. Also I like food I was not gonna cut out meals and replace them with a drink filled with sugar and fillers. That’s all I am gonna say. Anyways back to beach body since that’s what I am writing about. My package seemed to arrive quickly! I got it at least a day or two before expected.

Going into this I know I have a lot of options for my future. I could be an active beach body coach and earn an income while helping others get into better shape or I could simply just use it myself. Now financially it would help my family but I don’t know enough to promote it or at least I would feel guilty to promote something that I didn’t know every deal about. I never want to lie about something to gain. The whole reason I purchased this was to help myself feel more confident and to help get me into better shape. It’s also an experiment though. I want to further my knowledge with everything. I am fully committed to finishing the Morning Meltdown 100 and giving my honest review of the program and the company. I am not sponsored or anything so everything I write about is my honest opinion. I hope to see results and to become a healthier me. It is only day 9 so I can’t really give a full review but so far I can’t complain.

Every morning when I wake up, I start my day with a glass of pre work out now I was unsure if I wanted to buy the energizer when I was first ordering but to get the maximum experience I bought it all. I bought the lemon flavor and at first I didn’t know how it was gonna be. I mixed it into some water and to my surprise it was really good! It kind of reminds me of a tarter lemonade. I also purchased all three of the boost, for digestive health, focused energy, and power greens for my Shakes. I got the vegan chocolate flavor for my shakeology shakes. Day one I added :

  • 8 ounces almond milk
  • half of banana
  • one scoop of my vegan chocolate shakeology
  • a tablespoon of peanut butter
  • one scoop of digestive health
  • one scoop of focused engery
  • one scoop of power greens
  • soaked overnight oats (handful or so)
  • handful of ice

Now you don’t have to buy all three of the boost but I did to try them so I throw all three of them in my shake. Now when I run out, I honestly will probably only buy the power greens and digestive health again. I don’t know I just don’t feel like I need the focused energy but I do like the taste of all three of them. Also you can just throw in oat but I soak mine overnight in water so there isn’t a powdery taste in my shake. It taste good either way though it’s just my personal preference. My weakness in life is Reese’s peanut butter cups and this taste just like it! I get to satisfy my craving without indulging in a sugary chocolate candy.

The work outs are pretty self explanatory. Depending on the day you either need no weights or 3 to 5 pound weights. I just bought 3,5 & 8 pound weights on amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/AmazonBasics-Neoprene-Workout-Dumbbell-Weights/dp/B01LR5SM74/ref=sr_1_1?hsa_cr_id=8261177220301&lp_asins=B01LR5RBZ8%2CB01LR5SM74%2CB01LR5R18K&lp_mat_key=weights%2Bdumbbells&lp_query=amazon%2Bweights%2Bdumbbells&lp_slot=auto-sparkle-hsa-tetris&pf_rd_p=9420597b-7dad-4cbd-a28d-7d676ac67378&qid=1565131971&s=exercise-and-fitness&sr=1-1&srs=10112675011&store_ref=SB_A07636943JKL8MY41M426&suppress-ve=1&th=1

I am surprised by how much I enjoy the program so far. I am included in a wonderful group tracker where all these women support each other and it just is a great group. Everyone has the same goal to be a healthier them and I just love it! If there is a day I don’t feel really motivated I just check the group and see everyone’s post on the work out and it motivates me to get my work out for the day complete too! We are just one big support team and I truly believe with the help of all them I will be able to complete this challenge with no problem.

As the program continues I will further update you on my thoughts and progress! If anyone was interested in the program or shakeology feel free to check out the link below and Join me on my journey!

Dieting

The word dieting always had brought a negative vibe to mind. Diet means to restrict oneself to small amounts or special kinds of food in order to lose weight. When I think of diets I think of salads. I know salads are good for you but everyday all day it would get tiring. Why has society made dieting such a big thing. I know women who eat one meal a day and the other two meals are “shakes” that will help them lose weight. Which if you ask me thats a bunch of bullshit. I have looked up the nutrition on these so called shakes and they are filled with sugar and fillers. The only way you would lose weight is being you are practically starving yourself. So my question is, why do we as a society try so hard to diet? Why not try to change overall and make a healthy lifestyle instead? Why has it become so popular to drink magic shakes and get weight loss surgery instead of getting off your butt and making changes. I just started a program that yes has “shakes”but thats not why I did it, It’s different. Everyday I am encouraged to work out either with one of their videos or at the gym or something. Just to move my body. Now I am currently in a 100 day challenge so most days I do the work outs but I am trying to find time to go to the gym as well. My food intake is a different story. See I am a eater, I eat when I am stressed, lonely, bored whatever the reason is I eat. It has by far been my biggest challenge so far. Instead of having a positive mind about it I think to lose weight all I can eat is chicken, rice and broccoli. Which any normal person would be over that by the second day. It’s all about changing the way my mind sees food. I am constantly trying to help myself, you don’t need dessert, you aren’t hungry you’re just bored whatever it takes to help me. Luckily, the morning meltdown 100 challenge included this wonderful book full of delicious recipes. It is starting to make me think you can eat good food you just have to be smart about it. You can’t go into something thinking it is a diet, you have to tell yourself it is a lifestyle change. This will be a healthier you forever. Don’t cut everything you like out just learn how to control your in take. I had to learn it was okay to eat cake and ice cream but I didn’t need to eat it every night. Once you find balance you will start to notice that it comes naturally to make healthier choices. I have a lot to learn still and my mind battle is far from over, but everyday I try to make at least one healthier choice. This is my battle to overcome and I won’t let it win this time. Any tips? What healthy choice have you made today?

Life Thoughts.

Some people after awhile get writers block and I know I haven’t posted anything in a couple of days or so but its not from writers block, if anythings it’s the complete opposite. I have so many things and topics running through my head, I have just been trying to figure out how I was gonna write. I could break them all up or write one very long post, but then I realized I wasn’t doing either. I just sat down, opened the computer and said I am just gonna start writing. Today is the perfect time to play catch up with everything because I am home alone for once. Brandon has the day off but he’s out helping his mom and Kinsley had a sleep over with my mom last night. Just me and my thoughts are here in this house.

Has anyone got the chance to watch “Workin Moms” on Netflix? I won’t give anything away but if you haven’t seen it, I definitely recommend it. I am patiently waiting for season 3 to come out at the end of the month. After binge watching season 2 in about 2 days it made me think about a lot. There is this one mother would is trying to find the balance between work and family (that’s all I will say), it made me question what I am doing. Don’t get me wrong staying home with Kinsley has been a blessing and I know not everyone in our family’s agree with it, it’s not really anyone’s business what Brandon and I choose to do. I am everything I ever wanted to be. A stay at home mom. I cook, clean, vacuum, do never ending laundry, raise Kinsley and not have the stress of working. I know not everyone gets the opportunity to be able to stay home which is why I am very grateful for Brandon. It hasn’t even been a month though and I feel like I am running out of things to do though, plus not working means lifestyle changes. Our monthly income isn’t the same so I have to be more aware of the money I spend. Staying home has opened my eyes because I feel like every time we end up at a grocery store its $60 here or $100 there. We went to Costco the other day and the total was over $200!! Before I would just swipe the card and go on with my day, but now I am like Do we really need all this? On the other hand though, I still splurge on myself, I get facials once a month, I get my nails done, and I get lunch with friends. Anyways, I am starting to feel bored, I stay home most days all day until Brandon gets home. I am torn between wanting another job and continuing to stay home? Any other stay at home moms feel this way? How do you fulfill your day?

Recently, a very good but easily debatable question came up in my friend group. See I have a group of mom friends and we all stay home. One of the guys though asked if we thought staying at home was equal to them working all day long. Now I know that would make many stay at home moms mad and in the beginning I was taken back too. How could you not think we were the same? Then I thought about it , and thought about it again until it was almost annoying to myself. Here’s my opinion on the whole topic. Being a Stay at home mom is a JOB. Yes I know at the end of the day I won’t receive a pay check but I get something far much better out of it. I get to be present in my child’s life. I never miss breakfast with them, bath time, cuddles while they lay down before bed, I never miss any milestone they will have. At the end of the night after Kinsley goes to sleep though, I am sit up washing and drying laundry, cleaning the kitchen after dinner, picking up all her toys she brought into the living room, making sure Brandon has clothes for work the next day and if I am lucky getting a moment to myself whether it’s catching up on a show or taking a hot shower alone. So no I definitely think being a stay at home mom is a job. Now would I compare what I do with what Brandon does? No I wouldn’t. He spends anywhere for 8-10 hours a day dealing with multiple customers, doing paper work and making a schedule that works for him and all the other employees. I am in charge of one person, he oversees multiple. The only attitude I have to deal with is Kinsley’s, he deals with hundreds. While my biggest concern is household related, he takes on the stress of providing for his family, keeping his employees happy, keeping his boss happy, figuring out his next move for school and pleasing customers. When people are unhappy it falls on him. If we are short on money(which we never are) if falls on him. What I do as a mother is just overall different. I wouldn’t compare it to working. Yes it is a job but it’s just not the same to compare. Now I am not in the same boat as others, if I had to work I would. We have plenty of family so we fortunately wouldn’t have to pay for childcare, but with Brandon in between what he wants to do Career wise it doesn’t really matter if I work right now or not.

Nursing has always been Brandons go to career. I am not sure if he genuinely wanted to do that or if it was because his mom is a nurse so he figured he would be a nurse. Well now he is thinking more towards law enforcement and even though it might upset some it is ultimately his decision. Yes having him put his life on the line scares me a great deal but I have talked to wives of law enforcement and to a certain extent it calmed my nerves. I know Brandon wants to please everyone and when it comes down to it he would put everyone’s happiness before his own. For once I want him to choose. I want him to be selfish and do what he wants. When it comes to his choice career wise, we are all just here along for the ride. It’s his journey he has to discover and achieve. All I can do is sit back and encourage him. We have talked about it and the income difference but if you go your whole life working a job you don’t truly enjoy just because you make more money then you are really not living your best life. I feel like that’s how people now a days look at it too. How can I make the most money? Well if you love your job they say you would never really work a day in your life. It shouldn’t be a drag to go to work. Work should excite you and listening to Brandon talk about law enforcement you can just see the pure joy it brings him. There is a real danger out in the world and he wants to be the one to help make a difference. He wants to keep people safe and make the world sleep a little better at night. Now don’t get me wrong he likes the idea of nursing but he doesn’t sound as excited and I refuse to let him waste 50-60 years of his life doing something that is mediocre to him. Have you ever been faced with a life changing decision? Was it career related? How did you overcome it and make a decision? Do you have any regrets?

Morning Meltdown 100 Day 1

5:30 am my alarm goes off. I was laying in bed awake since 4:50 waiting. I get up and my morning has an unexpected twist. My alarm woke up kinsley and since she slept in her crib last night she didn’t have one of us to sooth her back to sleep so she is wide awake. I pick her and try to put her in bed with Brandon. No luck. I lay down and try to get her back to sleep. I could of stayed in bed and just enjoyed the cuddles but I knew I had to get up. She didn’t want to sleep so I picked her up so Brandon could get some sleep before he had to get up. We walk into the living room, I set her on the couch with some milk and go get myself dressed. I am still unsure about the whole nutritional side but I am managing. I opened the lemon flavored energizer and try to wake up without the help from coffee.

With Kinsley up and about I could see her in the corner playing with her toys, and I was ready to push play. I hear Jericho’s voice on the screen and begin copying what she does. I am sweating, my legs are on fire and I just want to sit down but the I see it. Kinsley is watching me. I can’t give up, shes my why. The reason I want to become healthier. I push through and next thing I know its over. I had finished the first work out. I felt great and am definitely glad I didn’t stay in bed. I completed day 1/100. My morning didn’t go as planned but I didn’t use it as an excuse to keep me from getting up and getting it done. I have a long ways to go, 99 days to be exact and I am ready to grow and get stronger everyday. I know Mondays can be hard but with the right attitude you can get through any obstacle. Today don’t hit snooze, don’t come up with another excuse why you can’t do it. Don’t wait for next Monday! Let today be your day 1 to a better you.

Just after the first work out I can tell it’s going to take everything to get to where I want to be. Life sometimes gets in the way but you have to keep pushing forward. I plan on keeping myself motivated and accountable by posting my thoughts and progress here and on Instagram. I hope I motivate someone today and by the end of this journey you aren’t sick of my post. There is only one you, Will you sweat today?

She’s my reason why! Someone’s always watching you.

When Love Changes

I have dated a hand full of guys before Brandon,now my exes, that’s a completely different post I’m not sure I even ever want to get into. Brandon has always been different though compared to them. We started out hating each other but the stars aligned or something because we started hanging out with mutual friends almost everyday, that hate turned into a friendship. I was dealing with my own boy issues at the time so we were just friends for a while. Regardless of being “friendzoned” he still stuck around. He was kind and listened when I would come crying about the same drama for the tenth time. He was my best friend and having him in my life just made it so much easier to deal with high school drama. Fast forward to my 18th birthday and something changed. I knew he liked me but up until that moment I was happy as friends. I started looking at him differently and I might of jumped the gun with my feelings because after we started dating the first time I backed out. My typical relationship was pretty straight forward, we would talk for a while, date and then it would fizzle out. I didn’t want that to happen again so I had to make sure it wouldn’t. August 21st, 2015, we tried this whole crazy dating thing again, except this time I was ready.

We had some challenges and if you knew my ex you would understand why, but it didn’t matter because we had each other. It was new love nothing serious and honestly when we first started dating it didn’t feel like anything really changed, he was still my best friend and we still hung out everyday. In the back of my head I was had a small doubt. When would he realize I have a lot of damage? When would he leave like everyone else? But he surprised me instead of leaving he loved me hard. He was there when my sister had surgery and waited patiently in the waiting room with my family. He moved in to my parents house and helped my dad caught up on bills. He never left my side when my dad passed away when I was seven months pregnant, if even possible I think he cried harder than I did. He embraced the role as a dad to our wonderful daughter and even now with me not working he has stepped up as the sole provider. I don’t know how he does it but we aren’t struggling life remains the same. The man I fell in love with four years again is not the same man I am in love with now. He has blossomed into something much greater. My father would be very proud of him and it would give him peace to know that even though he isn’t here he doesn’t have to worry about me.

If you are in a relationship that doesn’t bring you an overload of emotions or you can’t see past today, I want you know that it will get better. I always thought I would end up with my ex and that would just be my life, but Brandon changed that. Love that happens unexpectedly is always the best I think. I am no expert in relationships and I won’t pretend to but I couldn’t imagine life differently without Brandon. I am thankful now because looking back every choice I made lead me to him. The father of my child, the love of my life, the best “grill master” and cook (don’t over compliment him though it will go to his head), the one who saved me when I didn’t know I needed it. Yeah yeah I know sappy love crap,but I truly mean it. It amazes me how our love has changed and has grown into something I couldn’t even fathom. It will be four years next month and I can’t wait to see what the next ten years bring us. Hopefully we will finally get married so people will stop asking lol. Who Knows, but as long as I continue this journey in life with him nothing else matters.

xoxox

Coffee For Your Thoughts

The sun has not rised yet, the birds have yet to chirp but then it happens, 5:15 am my alarm clock goes off. Some days I am already awake waiting for it others like today I dreaded it. Thinking to myself if I hit snooze, who would know? Then I think, I would know. Hitting snooze would set the tone for my whole day so no matter how tempting it sounded, I got up. I grabbed my stack of clothes sitting on my dresser that I laid out the night before and changed. As I stumbled into the kitchen all I could think about is COFFEE! This particular morning felt like my keurig took extra long to heat up. Finally coffee in hand I sit down on the couch and look around, not a sound. Just my thoughts and my large cup of coffee.

These are the mornings I live for and I am so grateful I didn’t hit snooze. As a mother I don’t exactly have an abundance of free time. Kinsley always needs my attention for something and I’m not complaining I enjoy my days with her because I know if I go back to work they will become limited again. When everyone is still asleep in the house I get me time. I get a chance to catch up on whatever I want to do but couldn’t for some reason. Maybe I will catch up on a tv show? Do a load of laundry? It doesn’t matter because I can do anything.

Becoming a parent I learned that balance is the only way anyone will stay sane. Yes you are a parent but you have to still remember, for me anyways, I am also a significant other and an individual. If you don’t make time for yourself you probably aren’t making time for your relationship either. I figured that one out recently that hard way. It seemed like everyday it was a new argument or new frustration I felt with Brandon and I couldn’t shake it. After four years together was this it? Something I couldn’t even figure out the reason why for was gonna be the reason we failed? I didn’t think so! You see Brandon and I have a very unusual story of how we fell in love and it all started with us hating each other. I know you’re thinking how did that work? I’m not sure but the stars just seemed to alian and he’s been my rock every since.

After all this fight though it made me think. What is causing all this? Well truth be told I started to think and realized when was the last time it was the two of us? Our lives had changed with Kinsley but we never adjusted our relationship. There was no balance it was more like two different lives trying to compete for the spot light. I’m no expert but I know what I plan on doing for my relationship. It was time to flip it upside down and for the better. I want us to enjoy this life we have together. Make time to communicate instead of worrying about others opinions we need to do things by ourselves. Yes we both have large families with very strong opinions but we have made our own little family. We need to make more time for each other as well. I spend my day with Kinsley and by the time Brandon gets off work, we’re both tired and counting down the minutes until bedtime. We have completely went from 22 year olds to senior citizens going to bed at 9 pm. I get it we aren’t going to go party every night but a dinner alone or a movie night would be nice every once in a while. I am more ready than ever to make changes for the better!

See setting time for your relationship and yourself as an individual is vital to making this crazy life we live work. On my own time I can enjoy a cup of hot coffee and watch the sun go up. I can write all my feels and thoughts here for all you guys to read. On Brandon’s time he can go fishing and to the gun range with his friends. He can take the load off of his shoulders and relax with a cold beer and he smokes another kind of meat in our backyard (typical dad). None the less I am still trying to find balance between being a parent, having a healthy, striving relationship and keeping my identity as an individual. Yes there will still be bumps in the road but it’s my journey I am willing to take to be the best me I can be. So when you find yourself wondering if you should hit snooze and go back to bed, just remember you will know.

How do you balance your life? Any fun suggestions for date night? What do you enjoy the most when you get a chance to some much deserved free time??

xoxo always.